Why I read The National Enquirer

by D.G. Geis


Because I believe in the gods
and the inexorability of divine things.
 
That Zeus is an impenitent philanderer
with a zigzag cock, nicknamed “Thunderbolt’,
 
and that before he knocked up Hera,
she was a lap dancer at the Olympus Club.
 
That Dionysius was spotted partying
in Athens his first day out of rehab.
 
That Hermes cheated on his taxes and
has a new reality show called “Life on the Inside’.
 
That Apollo is a sex addict
with a 500 drachma a day cocaine habit.
 
That Charon is losing money hand over fist
to unlicensed ferrymen.
 
That Ares is halfway through his sex change
and has checked into a hospital in Corinth for the final cut.
 
That Pan was arrested in Delos
for failure to register as a sex offender.
 
That Demeter is gluten intolerant.
And that Aphrodite
 
bending over in a micro-mini
and a pair of Jimmy Choo stilettos
 
would rock just about any world.